Friday, July 15, 2011

Rupert Murdoch: "I'll hack into all your phones if you don't BACK OFF!"

~ While recently visiting a friend in the Hamptons, I ran into Media mogul Rupert Murdoch, who was handing off a briefcase full of cash to NYPD Chief, Joseph Esposito.

JD: Hey Rupert, how long do you expect this fallout to persist? Do you feel responsible in any way?

Murdoch: Listen you, I do whatever I want and that's the way it is. I PUT THESE BUREAUCRATS INTO OFFICE! And if you think that I'm going to just sail away into the night, and see my empire crumble, then get out of my way!

JD: What do you think of the recent shareholder lawsuits against you?

Murdoch: HA! I think and care nothing about this. Look - I am rich, powerful, control most of the world's democratically-elected politicians, AND I have a hot wife. And just for questioning me, I'm going to hack into your phone as well!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Biden: "We might have to stop murdering Muslim civilians if debt ceiling is not increased!"

~ After paying a visit to Lockheed Martin headquarters in Sunnyvale, CA - I ran into VP Joe Biden, who had just successfully test fired a remote drone attack on the village of Pidakkesh, Pakistan.

JD: Mr. Biden, what are your thoughts about the debt ceiling?

Joe Biden: This is a big deal, a real - oops! I should watch my language since the media is here. Anyway, if we don't raise the debt limit, we may have to scale back in the war on terror. You what what that means, do ya?!

JD: No.

Joe Biden: It means that we won't be able to purchase anymore HellFire drone missiles or Tomahawk Cruise bombs to shell out against those worthless Middle Eastern civilians! Look, I JUST FIRED A BARRAGE on a remote village in Pakistan; you just don't comprehend the THRILL from doing this. It's WAY better than Halo 3!

Michele Bachmann: "I stole from you in order to help you!"

~ As I walked past the Lincoln Memorial yesterday, I briefly spoke with Michelle Bachmann after she finished paying homage to Honest Abe.

JD: Mrs. Bachmann, since you're campaigning on a small government platform, do you support Ron Paul's position to completely eliminate the IRS?

M-Bach: Oh no, absolutely not! We should be HIRING and not firing the IRS. Listen, I served my country and did my patriotic duty as an IRS lawyer. How else can we fund the DHS, TSA, CIA, FBI and protect from ourselves from terrorism? Without people like me confiscating your paycheck and inheritance, how else are we going to pay for our glorious crusades into Pakistan, Libya, Yemen, and Venezuela? 

JD: But, how can you -

M-Bach: I'm not finished! How can our $120K/year pensions be funded without the IRS? And do you expect me to come and work four hours per day, three days a week for FREE? I am the true face of the Tea party after successfully hijacking it from the likes of Ron Paul. Besides, I love America - so there!!

Ben Bernanke: "Words cannot describe how happy I am that Ron Paul is retiring."

~While I was walking past the lobby of JP Morgan's headquarters at 60 Wall St., I ran into FED Chairman Ben Bernanke, who had just concluded a private meeting with CEO Jamie Dimon.

JD: Mr. Bernanke, what do you think about Ron Paul not seeking re-election?

Ben Bernanke: Oh yes, I am so JOYFUL beyond belief. Words cannot describe the delight that every FED governor and Wall Street executive has right now - to know that Dr. Paul will not be around to harass us. No more 'Audit the FED' legislation, no more embarrassing congressional testimonies and Youtube gaffes for me; it's just like we're starting over from 1913. 

JD: Do you have any celebrations planned for this?

Ben Bernanke: Oh yes. We're throwing a $200M party at every FED branch - courtesy of my printing presses. We're also inviting every Fortune 100 CEO, Wall St. Banker, and each politician which we've bought off. Not to mention, our keynote speaker will be former Treasury Secretary and Goldman Sachs CEO, Henry Paulson. And just to add icing on the cake, we're going to institute a semi-annual round of quantitative easing to commemorate this festive occasion. I can now sleep soundly at night, knowing that these relentless attacks from Dr. Paul will cease to exist!

Monday, July 11, 2011

George W. Bush: "I aren't sure that Obama is a better public speaker than I."

~ As I passed by the local knitting club in Crawford, Texas - I noticed George W. Bush finishing up his latest quilt. I went inside to say Hello, and see what he's been up to.

JD: Hi Mr. President, how do you think that Obama has been doing so far?

George W. Bush: Hey there buddy. Yeah, uhh..been doing this and that. But I'm kinda disappointed that the media made fun of my speech problems, but they ain't doing the same to Obama. See, I couldn't speak WITH a teleprompter and Obama can't speak WITHOUT one. Although I took my job seriously, my mind was always on the next golf outing, so I couldn't focus while speaking. Uhhh...what were we just talking bout?

JD: Teleprompters sir.

George W. Bush: Oh yeah! Well, don't tell nobody, but Hillary recently told me that she's gonna have one of her Staff UNPLUG Obama's teleprompters during the next State of the Union. See, she's still bitter after losing to him in 2008. Ha!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Obama: "I am the greatest president since George W. Bush!"

~ While visiting Pebble Beach recently, I crossed paths with Pres. Obama - who was golfing with the CEO's of Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan, CitiGroup, Haliburton and KB Toys.

JD: Mr. President, you look awfully happy for somebody who now has a single digit approval rating; what's up with that?

Barack Obama: Let me tell you, uhhh, uhhh - I am optimistic that the American people will put as much faith in me to lead the country, just as they did back in '08. Now, you see me golfing with these CEO's; they are part of the American population too, so their grievances need to be heard as well. Now, what are my chances of winning against the GOP in 2012 you might ask? Well, uhhh, uhhh - where'd my teleprompter go?

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Hillary Clinton: "I should have been President, not this community organizer!"

~ During my recent visit to the State Department - I ran into Hillary Clinton, who was angrily talking to herself saying, "I should be in the Oval should have been me, me, me!  

JD: Sorry to interrupt you Mrs. Clinton - but are you alright? You look furious.

Hillary Clinton: Ugghh! Not a day passes by that I don't despise this community organizer for taking what rightfully belonged to ME! I had it all planned since January 1996, everything went perfectly..UNTIL the elite chose Barry Obama over me! Just you wait, I'll find a way to get back at him soon enough. WAIT! I'll unplug his teleprompter during the next Presidential address. HA!

Paul Krugman: "Government IS the solution, markets are the problem!"

~ During my recent trip to NYC, I ran into Paul Krugman, who was teary-eyed for nearly 35 minutes - standing in awe of the NY Federal Reserve at 33 Liberty Street. 

JD: Do you need a kleenex Paul? And why do you place so much faith in central planning to run our lives and the economy?

Paul Krugman: Ok, listen - I'm a PhD, you're NOT so listen up. The government ALWAYS has the people's best interest. The government is the brain, or engine that keeps this economy going. We need more spending, taxes and regulation to sustain the primary entity that can bring us out of depression, and into prosperity. If FDR did it, THEN SO CAN OBAMA. And anybody who disagrees with me is a Neo-confederate racist!

Bill Clinton: "I almost joined the TSA, but didn't when they told me that I could only pat down men!"

~ During my recent visit to Little Rock, Arkansas - I ran into former pres. Bill Clinton while having lunch at Hog's Diner.

JD: Hey Bill, why the long face? You normally look happier when you're this far away from your wife?

Bill Clinton: I'll tell you what buddy, I've just had the disappointment of a lifetime. You know those TSA agents who get to frisk and fondle innocent travelers? Well, I thought I'd do my country a service and protect the airports by joining the TSA. But [sob, sob] THEY TOLD ME THAT I COULD ONLY PAT-DOWN MEN! Who do they think I am, BARNEY FRANK!?  Oh - what's your name little waitress?

Michael Bay: "Transformers is a sorry excuse for ME to audition and film hot women!"

~ During my recent visit to Chicago, I crossed paths with Film Director Michael Bay, during a tour of the Museum of Corruption.

JD: Hey Bay, why did Transformers 2 and 3 stink so bad? The main people who go and watch them are only doing it in hope that the series will improve - so why are they so bad?

Michael Bay: You know Hodges, I am getting REALLY TIRED OF YOU, AND ALL THE CRITICS telling me what I already know. Both the script and acting for 2 and 3 were HORRIBLE, and I have no clue why viewers make me richer every time. BUT, I don't care..I'm making Transformers because I get to audition and interview gorgeous actresses. I get to choose which babes make it to the big screen. That's right, I DO THIS FOR THE WOMEN, alright! AND I DON'T GIVE A MEGATRON IF THE MOVIES STINK!

Monday, July 4, 2011

Lady Gaga: "I'm Different because I'm Different..take that!"

~ During my recent visit to Florence in Italy, I crossed paths with Lady Gaga at a corner Pizza shop called 'Pizza! Pizza!'  Then I asked her why she tries to be different all the time:

JD: Lady Gag, why are you trying so hard to be so different?

Lady Gaga: Uhh, just because - that's why. People look like each other ALL THE TIME..and I'M NOT JUST ANYBODY. If my wardrobe looks like it came out of a blender and you confuse me for some crazed alien-clown hybrid, then that's your problem..I'm Lady Gaga so TAKE THAT! Oooh-la-la-la-la-!

Sasha Obama: "Why does Daddy use a Teleprompter for wishing us Goodnight?"

~ During my recent vacation to the Bahamas, I ran into little Sasha Obama while waiting to get my bags checked at Mores Island Airport. Here's an excerpt from our conversation:

JD: Hi Sasha, how are you doing?

Sasha Obama: Well, not so well. I'm just disappointed that last night, like every other night - Daddy looks over at the teleprompter when wishing us goodnight. I honestly can't remember the last time he kept eye contact with me or my sister for more than two seconds. Oh well, the country must be used to him doing this, so I shouldn't complain..I'm sure he's not the only Daddy who does it.